“It’s been a long time I haven’t felt so special and complete as I do right now. I would say I gained the level of internal consistency which gives me the power to act boldly, take decisions and feel free.”

Is it really what I felt that time? Almost cannot imagine that I could have been thinking the nightmare was over…

Here I am, once again, after a year or so, reading these incredible thoughts and wondering, how the hell it was possible that few months later I have fallen into pieces. Oh, I would almost forget, it is like when you meet the love of your life (bullshit!) and you get used, manipulated and betrayed later on.

Story as many others, a girl meets a boy, they fall in love and live happilly ever after. Bullshit!

Once again, a girl meets a boy, who comes from a different country, ancient culture, traditional, exotic and interesting. She loves the diversity among the people as well as their experience and thinking. Being helpful and sacrificing to support the beloved and important people in her life, is a must for her. Basically she would not be able to live, not doing that.

Here we go, there’s where the bodies are buried! The boy has serious problems with residence, work, finally with accomodation and the livelihood. The girl wants to help, she is in love, she would do everything to make him safe and happy. (I haven’t mentioned she’s got her own problems and they are quite serious, too). Nevertheless she does everything she can, but at some point, he falls into depression and even her love is not enough to make him recover. She wants to stay close, but he pushes her away, he breaks up with her a few times, just for the sake of not suffering because he says, he cannot be with anybody. Finally she cannot make it anymore and her demons take over the charge. She slaps him in the face, after being again, over and over abandoned and completely confused. They come back to each other, but this damage cannot be rebuilt. The next argument they have she is hurting when he is packing his stuff and leaving her for good. The drama continues but only in her mind. He starts hiding things from her, lying, stops sharing thoughts but she thinks it’s all because of his depression. She keeps struggling, even if the war is already lost. She does not realize that he stays with her only because there he has no place to go…  One time he tells her that it was never her home and he does not want to see her face anymore even if he keeps sleeping in her bed. The boy comes back to the girl once again, when she threathens him that she would throw out all his private belognings which remain in her flat. He is back, but just to move out his things and then to play with her feelings, leaving her forever.

What was I saying?

“It’s been a long time I haven’t felt so special and complete as I do right now. I would say I gained the level of internal consistency which gives me the power to act boldly, take decisions and feel free.”

Thank you Mr V, it’s been a long time I haven’t felt so special and complete as now. It is like to get cancer and recover after you were already sentenced to death. Seriously at this particular moment I can say, yes, I am stronger, yes, I do have the power to act boldly and freely! If I survived this, I will survive anything what happens to me. I am sure and I do believe that nothing can stop me. And last but not least, I am proud that I am still that helpful and positive person, and that this experience just made me stronger to cure myself and fight with my demons.

What goes around, comes around… And what came to me is a real lifetime love, but it came with the price, so now I can really appreciate having a soul mate. The real light in my life.

“i do not want to have you
to fill the empty parts of me
i want to be full on my own

i want to feel so complete
i could light a whole city
and then
i want to have you
cause the two of
us combined
could set
it on fire”
― Rupi Kaur

I am free… I am complete…”The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”

Happy Diwali to all!

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