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Just Come With Me

The strongest drug that exist for a human being is another human being.

What Goes Around, Comes Around

“It’s been a long time I haven’t felt so special and complete as I do right now. I would say I gained the level of internal consistency which gives me the power to act boldly, take decisions and feel free.”

Is it really what I felt that time? Almost cannot imagine that I could have been thinking the nightmare was over…

Here I am, once again, after a year or so, reading these incredible thoughts and wondering, how the hell it was possible that few months later I have fallen into pieces. Oh, I would almost forget, it is like when you meet the love of your life (bullshit!) and you get used, manipulated and betrayed later on.

Story as many others, a girl meets a boy, they fall in love and live happilly ever after. Bullshit!

Once again, a girl meets a boy, who comes from a different country, ancient culture, traditional, exotic and interesting. She loves the diversity among the people as well as their experience and thinking. Being helpful and sacrificing to support the beloved and important people in her life, is a must for her. Basically she would not be able to live, not doing that.

Here we go, there’s where the bodies are buried! The boy has serious problems with residence, work, finally with accomodation and the livelihood. The girl wants to help, she is in love, she would do everything to make him safe and happy. (I haven’t mentioned she’s got her own problems and they are quite serious, too). Nevertheless she does everything she can, but at some point, he falls into depression and even her love is not enough to make him recover. She wants to stay close, but he pushes her away, he breaks up with her a few times, just for the sake of not suffering because he says, he cannot be with anybody. Finally she cannot make it anymore and her demons take over the charge. She slaps him in the face, after being again, over and over abandoned and completely confused. They come back to each other, but this damage cannot be rebuilt. The next argument they have she is hurting when he is packing his stuff and leaving her for good. The drama continues but only in her mind. He starts hiding things from her, lying, stops sharing thoughts but she thinks it’s all because of his depression. She keeps struggling, even if the war is already lost. She does not realize that he stays with her only because there he has no place to go…  One time he tells her that it was never her home and he does not want to see her face anymore even if he keeps sleeping in her bed. The boy comes back to the girl once again, when she threathens him that she would throw out all his private belognings which remain in her flat. He is back, but just to move out his things and then to play with her feelings, leaving her forever.

What was I saying?

“It’s been a long time I haven’t felt so special and complete as I do right now. I would say I gained the level of internal consistency which gives me the power to act boldly, take decisions and feel free.”

Thank you Mr V, it’s been a long time I haven’t felt so special and complete as now. It is like to get cancer and recover after you were already sentenced to death. Seriously at this particular moment I can say, yes, I am stronger, yes, I do have the power to act boldly and freely! If I survived this, I will survive anything what happens to me. I am sure and I do believe that nothing can stop me. And last but not least, I am proud that I am still that helpful and positive person, and that this experience just made me stronger to cure myself and fight with my demons.

What goes around, comes around… And what came to me is a real lifetime love, but it came with the price, so now I can really appreciate having a soul mate. The real light in my life.

“i do not want to have you
to fill the empty parts of me
i want to be full on my own

i want to feel so complete
i could light a whole city
and then
i want to have you
cause the two of
us combined
could set
it on fire”
― Rupi Kaur

I am free… I am complete…”The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”

Happy Diwali to all!

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Gone with the Wind

Hi Baby,

I know did not write you for some time but I did not feel happy about what you had said. I mean that in your opinion I am too strong as a person and so are my feelings, also for you.

I was wondering how a  person or a feeling can be too strong.

I used to fight for the attention and love of the people I cared about, even those who were capable of  hurting me. Sometimes like a moth to a flame, going to be burned by the fire, but still constantly coming back again and again. At least I can say that I tried and did not miss any chance.

What I wanted to say is that maybe my feelings are too strong, because I always had to fight for the ones I loved. But as you can see, I stopped fighting for you and our story is over.

I think it only makes sense when both sides are mature enough to cooperate and maybe even struggle for the happiness in not-favourable circumstances.  I strongly believe we have one opportunity in our life to meet somebody on the way. And if we do not use it even if we feel that this is special and worth it, then we lose one of the limited chances, limited, by the lenght of our life.

And the feeling of losing this one, special chance, this is something what you see as “too strong” and this is truly painful.

But the other thing is the respect I have for myself and that’s why I let it go.

I was special, it was worth it and I know you felt the same. And now it is gone, exactly as you wished.

Take care. Bye. Kisses.

 

 

 

 

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Daily Prompt: Confused

via Daily Prompt: Confused

Confused?

It feels like being a bit of surprised and uncomfortable. Maybe, sometimes it’s just too much at once. And this is confusion, too much or not enough information received by our sensors. Over or under-stimulation in one word.

For me it is a growing anxiety, occupying all the thoughts, distracting from regular tasks, life, work and emotional stability.

It might be confusing when something happens suddenly and your senses are not able to process all the information at once, to give you the proper evaluation of the event. And we always want to understand fully, looking for logic and explanation. Don’t we?

The more we care about something, the more we are engaged and occupied, looking for solution of the situation we do not understand. We want to be secure, significant, important and to have the proof that we are respected.

But whatever happens, and does not matter how strong is the confusion, we need to remember who we are and what we represent. If our feeling of importance is coming from inside then even the most sudden and unexpected situation will not destroy our balance, because we stand strong, with our self-confidence and self-belief.

And this will give us the will and the power to take right decisions, irrespectively from all the confusion and chaos surrounding us. Leaving behind all what makes us feel uncomfortable, confused and make us free.

Our dignity will lead us.

Confused

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On the Road Again

So here I am, again looking for a place to live. It’s been a week, since I have finally moved  and now I will need to do it again. At least this time I have a month. Last time it was only 2 weeks.

It will be the third time this year and I have already gained a lot of experience of disassembling and assembling my furniture. What an active time!!!

I am not stressed or surprised. I think I have now the attitude of accepting everything what is coming in my life, whether it is good or bad.

But the point here is that I will have again a great opportunity to see how many things I have collected unnecessarily. Paper books, clothes, shoes, furniture and the kitchen equipment. How much we are inattentive and careless. Pure consumers, without any reflection about the essence of life. Hence we have to be thinking about the stuff we do not even remember we have but still we do not want to get rid off. Hilarious! Obsessed by the idea of possessing things, we do not see when they become more important then our self-development.

Because maybe I am not worried now – as I am already used to it – but the first time I was so stressed how to organize and move all of it. And I remember how much work I needed to put into it, in order to organize it, pack, carry etc.

Maybe it would be better to have one bag with clothes and a Kindle with books and then to release the time I spent of thinking about the things and start using it more efficiently. And I could travel the world and how much money I would save, not spending on the next pair of shoes? 🙂 Sounds great!

So actually I think the reason I need to move again is that I did not use this opportunity to minimize my belongings before and I need to do it now. And if not, who knows maybe I will have to move again next month?

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The Real Experience

When I was a student, one of the tasks I got, was an essay about a book written by a Spanish novelist. Free choice.

I chose Carlos Ruiz Zafon’s The Shadow of the Wind. I have been always completely crazy about any book based on the concept of a story inside the story – a box inside the box. Discovering the secrets, linking facts and revealing the truth. Obviously The Shadow of the Wind is one of them. The action takes place in Barcelona and this is exactly the reason why I have been recently thinking about the Zafon’s novel again. I have started dreaming about visiting Barcelona almost 8 years ago. This is not only the love of the language and the culture but also the mysterious atmosphere and the marvelous architecture which make the place so special for me. The city described in the novel is full of secrets, the streets are leading you to meet your love, destiny or a sudden adventure. I immediately fell in love with Zafon, his writings and Barcelona. I wanted to take a stroll, following the steps of the characters from the story. I dreamed about the adventures and having the opportunity to experience the city. After 8 years I finally made my dreams come true. I cannot express the excitement of seeing the city  I have been thinking about for so many years. One of the first places I visited was the Basílica y Temple Expiatori de la Sagrada Familia. Stunning view of the building stopped me when I walked out from behind the corner. All the sides, the facades are the beauty and perfection itself. But it was nothing to compare with the impression of the interior. Imagine the style of the building like from a fairy tale, the columns inside like enormous trees and the most wonderful thing I have ever seen in my life, the sunlight entering to the Basilica through the stained glass windows, playing with the colors, making them alive, animating the interior.  I did not know how it happened but I spent there more than two hours, sitting, walking and admiring the view, while the tears were running down my face. If there is any place in the world to experience the beauty of the light, it is for sure La Sagrada Familia. Pure mysticism. The time spent there made me calm and peaceful.

Later, like I planned before, I took a stroll following my friends from The Shadow of the Wind. Happiness and joy were filling my soul. I was flying over the ground, the streets and meeting myself after so many years. For sure it was my destiny to be there and gain this experience. Like coming back home, to a place I had never known but I belonged to.Barcelona episode was beyond the consciousness, like a the spiritual union with the absolute. Unforgettable moments

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So Here I Am

I did not die yesterday and I even had a good evening with my flatmate, a 22 year old kid, full of energy, funny and interesting. Yes, we drank a half of a bottle of bourbon and we talked, listened to the music and laughed.

So the major outcome is that I really want to travel Latin America on a motorcycle. The idea is burning me up. Of course it could be only BMW GS 800/1200 or something the same class. Sergio was showing me the most beautiful parts of Mexico and I was amused by the beauty of nature and the stunning, ancient architecture.

Starting from California, through the Mexico, then Isthmus of Panama to Colombia, Venezuela and then back to Colombia, Ecuador and via Peru, Bolivia, Paraguay and Uruguay up to Argentina and finish in Chile, Punta Arenas. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it?

And why the hell not? My friend told me: you should say goodbye to your family if you want to do it. No need darling, nobody will notice I am not here.

hidden-beach-marieta-islands-mexico-01

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Just for You

Hi Baby,

I wanted to share some of my thoughts with you – let’s say one way communication only.

I wouldn’t like you to feel stressed or pressured and I know that the situation is really complicated. There is a huge distance between us, but not only physical also in the knowledge about each other expectations and opportunities.

The question here would be: is there any room for me in your life?

You know me a little bit, as I told you already almost all the story of my life. And I know what I want now, and this is you and nobody else.

Of course, I do not know you enough to say anything more about it, but yes, I want to change it. The problem is, that to do it, we need to communicate somehow. Talk to each other, share thoughts, experience and a bit of our life. This is what I want. To be your friend and the time will show us the rest.

I like you how you are. I am curious if you want to get to know me and if you will allow me to get to know you.

Just give me a sign.

Kisses.

Why do we start the journey?

This is a real horror. I cannot do anything, I cannot think, I just want THIS to leave me. The feeling of being vulnerable, of being completely alone… no, not alone, lonely, abandoned, so much that I feel I want to die. This has been always with me and I tried to kill it in many different ways.

This is a pain in the stomach, taking all my energy, even my hands cannot type properly. I want somebody to be here with me, to attend me, calm my pain, calm me down, take it back from me. I need love to heal me.

But there is nobody around me. I do not know what to do, there is no cure. I was not choosing the proper people, because right now all of them left me or I had to leave them. This makes me so sad, that I do not know what to do with myself. I only want to forget this feeling. Forget all the evil which happened to me. Make me free…

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